Its Not Easy
by SaltyMama1315
Summary: My take on how Season 19, Episode 2 should've ended


**AUTHOR'S NOTE: THIS IS MY FOLLOW UP TO SEASON 19 EPISODE 2. THE WAY THEY ENDED THE EPISODE DIDN'T SIT WELL WITH ME, SO HERE'S MY TAKE ON HOW IT SHOULD'VE ENDED.**

Carisi was nursing a drink, sitting in his apartment and staring at the wall. It wasn't supposed to end this way; there was no reason Tom had to die. But maybe he wanted to; maybe he just couldn't live with himself after everything he had done. Maybe he couldn't live with the shame it would've brought his mother.

A knock at the door got him off the couch. He opened the door to reveal Rollins standing there.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"I should be asking you that."

"I'm fine," he said as he turned and went back to the couch. Amanda came in and shut the door behind her.

"How much have you had to drink?" she asked.

"Too much but not enough. I can still feel his hand in my hand, the rough leather of the glove."

"Do you think maybe you should talk to someone?" she asked, sitting next to him.

"Nah. We don't do that in my family. That's what confession is for," he scoffed.

"You have nothing to confess. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I let him die, 'Manda. I shoulda saved him."

"Hey, don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Blame yourself for this. This was Tom's choice. He chose not to listen when we all told him to stop. He was the one who hurt those women. That has nothing to do with you and I don't want to hear you blame yourself."

"You don't get it, 'Manda."

"Sonny, weren't you the one who told me isn't as easy as you think to be a hero?"

"When the hell did I say that?"

"I believe it was the Turner case; the young boy who sexually assaulted his hockey teammate because his dad told him to, remember?"

"Yeah, Kyle Turner. His dad was kickin' the shit out of him at home; probably beatin' the mother too."

"And I had made a comment about why didn't she just leave or something."

"Cause it's not that easy."

"Yeah, you told me that." Amanda moved to take his hand and Sonny looked into her eyes. "What happened with Tom wasn't easy. I'm sure you're probably thinking things could've gone 100 different ways, but it wasn't easy. I know how badly you wanted to save him, keep him from falling. But these things happen. We do our jobs and try to get justice for the victims. But nobody ever said being a cop was easy."

"He was right there, I had him. Maybe I shoulda given him my other hand, I shoulda held on tighter. I never shoulda let him get so close to the edge."

"You're going to drive yourself crazy with all the 'maybes' and the 'what ifs'. I've been in your shoes, Sonny. The whole thing with Holden March. I really thought I could've saved him, gotten him to drop that gun. I wasn't given the chance to save him; there was nothing I could do. Just like there was nothing you could've done for Tom. You just have to figure out how to move past it."

"What if I can't? Maybe I'm not cut out to be a cop anymore. I do have my license. Maybe I should just go be a lawyer somewhere."

"That's not you. You're a cop, through and through."

"Maybe I shouldn't be."

Amanda turned and took his face between her palms. His skin was rough and textured beneath her smooth hands. She made sure he was looking right into her eyes as she spoke next.

"I don't ever want to hear that again, do you understand? There was nothing you could've done for Tom today, nothing. The Sonny Carisi I know loves being a cop because he can help people. He can do more as a cop than he could a lawyer, he told me that once."

"But…"

"No interruptions. Where was I? Oh yeah, the Sonny Carisi I know has the biggest heart I've ever seen and I can see why this affects you so much. But you can't let it consume you. When you came to SVU, the whole squad was really separated. You brought us back together and made us into the unit we are today. You did that. Don't you dare tell me that you aren't meant to be a cop. It's in your blood."

"Are you done now?" he asked patiently.

"Yes."

"Good." Then he kissed her. It was their first kiss and it was perfect. Sweet and soft with a touch of spark. Nothing else had ever felt so good and Amanda didn't really want to stop.

"What was that for?" Amanda asked as they parted.

"It was the right thing to do. I've never known you to feel so strongly about me."

Amanda scoffed. "Well…."

"And thank you."

"For what?" she asked, now puzzled.

"For being here, for tellin' me all that stuff. It really means a lot."

"SVU wouldn't be where it is without you. I wouldn't be where I am without you."

Sonny kissed her again and wrapped his arms around her. Amanda held him tightly as he started to shake from his tears. He would be okay; they would be okay.


End file.
